OK... take a second and get your bearings. Chances are you feel fairly disorientated at the minute, but don't worry, the real horror of your present situation will soon become painfully obvious. So pull out the hospital tubes/shards of glass/overcooked hot dogs from your arm and welcome to the horrific reality that is the Zombie Apocalypse. Firstly, a hearty congratulations on surviving said Apocalypse with your brain intact, and whilst this seems like a boon, pretty soon you're going to learn that having a brain in a world of flesh eating zombies is a bit like having a head full of caviar at a polo match. In short dear reader, you're buggered, because you were woefully unprepared.
A terrifying scenario, I'm sure you'll agree.
Happily, by reading this, you have taken the first steps to avoiding this fate, so when the day does come...and believe me when I say that it IS coming, your brains will stay firmly behind your eyes, and not in whatever remains of a Zombie's digestive tract.
To begin with we will learn the general rules in order to survive. In later posts, we shall explore individual towns and cities to maximise our survival chances, focussing on shortcuts through heavily populated areas, local places to find supplies and the best sites for your new community.
For this first post I thought that we should start by running through the things you will need to do during the first few hours of Zombie Apocalypse day (henceforth known as Z.A. Day) if you find yourself home alone.
If you are lucky, you'll be woken up in your own bed by the sound of a distant car alarm going off, and faint moaning coming from the end of your street. If this is the case, calmly reach under your bed, take out the loaded crossbow kept there, and stalk quietly to the bathroom to relieve yourself, take what may be your last hot shower, and brush your teeth. Pleased ensure that you lock, and if possible, block the bathroom door with furniture, and if you do encounter any family members/housemates/pets on the journey, try to establish their "Life Status" (an important phrase that we will cover in the near future!). If you are in any doubt, remember to shoot first and ask questions later, ensuring a clean shot to the head. This may seem a little harsh, but if they are a zombie, it's one less for you to worry about, and if not, you've saved a loved one from days/weeks/months or even years of suffering.
Once you've finished your morning routine, dress in sensible all weather attire, sensible shoes and, if possible, a leather jacket (research has shown that people in leather jackets are 4 times more likely to survive than those wearing other, less manly looking jackets, and 8 times more likely to survive than those wearing stilettos!). Locate your Z.A. Day survival kit (coming soon), take a deep breath, and after dispatching any Walking Dead in the vicinity of your house, calmly make your way to the closest motorcycle (there's usually one lying around with the keys in). Whilst this may seem a poor transport choice at first, what with the lack of protection, when trying to navigate through the masses of abandoned cars on the roads, the two wheeled powerhouse between your legs will not only provide much needed speed, but also the maneuverability required to weave your way to a new life. Keep one eye on the fuel gauge and make sure you find a secure area to rest and plan with plenty of time. Nobody wants to be another "fuel runs out at crucial moment" statistic. Check the area for Zombies, dispatching any you encounter, pat yourself on the back for successfully surviving your first day and get some well earned rest, you're going to need it.
In the next post we will learn what to do when, like the vast majority of you who will survive, you find yourself waking up in an eerily abandoned hospital, and we will also learn the steps to take to establish the "Life Status" of friends and loved ones quickly and efficiently.
So, until the next time, keep your wits, keep your brain.
